Monday, October 5, 2009

Rap Songs White People Love cuz They Think It Gives Them "Cred" (but it doesn't)

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I was inspired by a similar post that I feel got it terribly terribly wrong. So, this is my list of rap songs that white people know and love and think it's cool to know and love, but it's not. In my own reverse order of hatred:

10. Tone Loc - "Wild Thing"
Yes, since this is in reverse order that means if you start singing Wild Thing you're at the least insulting end of my spectrum, but don't push it Ricky Vaughn.

9. Skee-Lo - "I Wish"
*I* Wish you'd stop bringing this song up.

8. House of Pain - "Jump Around"
Yes, I'm sure you are the cream of the crop, you rise to the top, or better yet a Terminator, like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The only one on this list I'm guilty of, but at least I acknowledge it.

7. Nelly.
Yes, everything by Nelly. Hey, these are the rules, I didn't write them, I just try and obey them.

6. Will Smith - "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It"
Let's be perfectly clear, this song wasn't even cool for 5 seconds, so saying "That ship has sailed" is a bit misleading. In fact, unless you're talkin' "Summertime" then you shouldn't even mention Will Smith's rapping. Yes, that includes "Men In Black". Let's just say Will's rapping and his character in "Six Degrees of Separation" share a special correlation.

5. Tag Team - "Whoomp There It Is"
No it isn't.

4. Coolio - "Gangsta's Paradise"
No. I know what you're thinking, but no. Just know no.

3. Snow - "Informer"
You don't really know the lyrics anyway. C'mon, dude was a Canuck with a Jamaican accent. WACK! And he wants to "licky boom boom down"?? Perv.

2. Vanilla Ice - "Ice.....Ice......Baby."
The "Dark & Twisty" Wes Hemings would love to smother you with a pillow for playing this song, for any reason, ever. Word to your mother.

1. Warren G feat. Nate Dogg - "Regulate"
Oh my shoot me in the face with an RPG, I can't tell you how much I loathe hearing this song brought up then people start right in with "It was a clear dark night, a clear white moon..." NO! NO IT WASN'T!!! IT WAS A CLEAR VIOLATION OF YOU THINKING YOU KNEW HIP RAP SONG LYRICS!!!! And I loathe you for reciting it. Looooooathe. This song ceased being cool after a week, you should know this. Post it on your see-thru fridge door, right next to your bloody Pearl Jam tickets. Just never sing this song again.

I hope you've enjoyed my hate-filled sarcastic rants. And yes, I'm white, enjoy the irony.


Regina Quentin said...

I forgot to comment on how long this list had me laughing! I may or may not be guilty of two songs on this list and MANNNNN do I agree with you about Will Smith.

I'm gonna read this once a week for laughs.

Regina Quentin said...

It's Monday! Today. Not tomorrow.

Wes Hemings said...

:| Fine!
I have to admit though that I felt vindicated about ripping the other list as foul, because I was at a concert Monday night where Common started going back in history, and what do ya know when he started playin that Biz Markie the entire place went nuts. Cuz that's a CLASSIC, and even though it's beloved by white people, it doesn't diminish its shine. NYAH!

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